Mine, like many other life journeys starts out pretty basic. A tale of an ordinary girl living an ordinary life, in an ordinary town under extra-ordinary circumstances. An arguement for nature v nurture. Days filled with laughter, tears joy and drama, hope and a vast amount of pure unadulterated fear. Emptiness, self laothing, unexplinable voids in my soul, remarkable moments of pride, accomplishment, failures and moments of absolute contentment no matter how fleeting they have been and will always be.
I chose to write this blog for many reasons. The main one being that I am adopted and I find that this single event has and probably will always have an affect on how I view life and relationships. A natural born cynic with a twisted sense of humor and a sense of empathy that simultaneously overwhelms and pisses me off.
I was born in 1978 in a typical "clinic" located within the beautiful cityscape of downtown El Paso, Texas. For those of you who can't imagine what that is, try picturing the hospital in Kill Bill, that is what I do. My birthmother was 18 at the time I made my presence known to the World, was struggling with a nasty addiction to heroin, cocaine and alcohol. She did not make my birthfather aware of the pregnancy and up until recently, he never knew he had a daughter. I am not sure if he has demons but after meeting him, I venture to say he like everyone else on this planet is not without his problems. To this day, she is still not sure who he was, rather she provided me with the best educated guess she could muster up. I was delivered by a doctor who was later put in prison for letting a woman bleed to death in a late trimester abortion attempt.
My adoption was handled rather sneakily and not all that legally but it worked out. All my mother Ann wanted was a baby girl. She had two sons already and was too afraid that she would have twin boys instead of a girl and therefore wanted to adopt. The lawyer called her on July 18, 1978 and simply said "I have a little girl here, she looks white and you better come and get her." Off she went with our maid Maria to the dingy downtown clinic to pick me up. I arrived a month early and my Mother was not prepared. She had no car seat so I was taken home in an empty T.V. box to begin my life with my new family.
A few things went wrong during this process in my opinion. My Mother didn't tell my Dad I was coming and he was out of town on business. He came home to find me sleeping in a bassonette on the kitchen floor. My brothers were not prepared for my arrival either and I think it was a lot harder on them than they have ever admitted. The adoption could not be made legal without a Father's signature so a loyal judge did the duty of signing. 17 years later this judge also presided over me when I was facing several counts of burgalry and other ridiculous crimes I committd on the way to finding myself, but I will get to that part.
I am not writing this blog to talk about my life story as much as I am writing it for my own theraputic reasons and to help anyone who has felt the way I do. I have always felt different. I have always felt out of place. I have often thought I was an alien that was placed here to observe and comment on the obvious, unusual, spectacular, astonishing, devestating and often confusing events that happen to me around me within me and through me.
For those of us who are adopted, it is a very weird thing. When the person who is supposed to love, nurture, provide and stand by you throughout your life gives you away it kindof sets you up to have problems with trust and relationships. You go through life wondering why you act the way you act, look the way you look, think the way you think and you will hold on to anything that will make sense to you. For me,the answer was Madonna. I worshipped her when I was growing up and my older brother convinced me through a strict regiment of indoctrintation, that she was my birthmother and had to give me up if she wanted her music career to be successful. For those of you who knew me when I believed this, I apologize and it is one of the most embarassing things I will admit to throughout my blogging journey.
Another issue that goes hand and hand with adoption is that you never know what you are going to get. In my case, the problems were mostly addiciton, insecurity and an over active imagination. My poor Mother had no idea what she had gotten herself into.
I am new to the blogosphere, I have no clue what I am doing and like I said before, I am doing this for me and to those of you who actually read this, Thank You.
<3
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