At this pount, I was working as a hostess at an upscale restaurant. All of the waiters were males who wore tuxedos and cocaine flowed liberally throughout each shift. At the Christmans party, the owner allowed us to drink and of course, I went overboard. It was Christmans Eve and I was supposed to help my Mother cook for 15 people. I went home, she knew I was drunk, and once again, I broke her heart. One night my friends and I went with one of the waiters to a soccer shop he owned to get loaded. He was very good looking and he liked me. I felt very special that this handsome 24 year old was willing to hang out with a 16 year old. We drank tequilla and did cocaine way past my curfew. I went home missing my pants and my Mother confronted me. What was the troubled, worried heart of a Mother that cared was mistaked for meddlinig, being a nuisance and basically wanting to ruin my life. She cried, again. The next morning her business partner and she came into my room and informed me I would be going to rehab in Minnesota. Of course I said no and left. I ran down the canal to the Rio Grande. She had called the Sheriffs Dept. and I could see that they were on the banks of the River looking for me. the never found me but my brother did. He was so disappointed in me and it really broke my heart. There was a part of me that wanted to be good, I just figured I was hopeless. I managed to run away again and stayed free for 3 weeks before being tricked into going. The ambulance was on the way to my house when a trusted friend showed up to rescue me. I was able to get to her car where she slipped me a hit of LSD before I was hauled away to the psych ward in a local county hospital while I waited for my plane. I had an escape plan at the airport but I couldn't make it because I was surrounded by my brother and Father. We boarded the plane, had a layover in Dallas (where I saw Willie Nelson) and on we went to Minneapolis. Rehab was clearly not for me. All I did was get into trouble every chance I could get. People always aske me what my drug of choice was and I would say "coke and Rophynol", No one could understand why I absolutely loved the date rape drug. At that point, I didn't know the answer. I figure it out someitme later. I loved it because it killed my conscience. I was what I always dreamt of being, a emotionless, completely sociopathic zombie. Now, I am not a sociopath and I am glad for that now. But back then, my life was in shambles. I had failed school, my relationships were gone, everything good I once had was destroyed amd I never thought it would come back. I was not ready to change and I managed to get high while I was there. My Dad got me out of there because he was convinced I was going through a phase. I moved in with him, he gave me a car and I was back in El Paso for summer school 1995. All of my friends were in summer school with me. It was fun at first. We were stopped at the border a couple of times and searched. They always broke our pipes. Back then, the punsihment wasn't as harsh as it is now. Most of the time they never took our pharmaceuticals. I started selling pot and coke. I carried it around with me in a Crown Royal bag. I fels like a badass. Little did people know that I was crying myself to sleep at night when I did sleep, I hated looking at myself in the mirror and I wanted to die. I almost got my wish several times throughout this time. Once school started again, I saw no point in going. In September of 1995 I decided to ditch school and try and find some money. I broke into some houses and got caught. One of the houses happened to be the Chief of Police's house. I stole his loaded guns and got pulled over with them in my car. I was lucky that I didn't try and use them because I would be dead as I write this now, but I was that stupid. My first ecperience in adult jail was when I was 17 years old. El Paso county jail was a very disgusting place. I was in there with a very diseased prostitute that scared the crap out of me. I was in there for 2 weeks and then released on my own recognisace pending my sentencing. Funny enough, the judge who signed as my birthfather was the judge who sentenced me to 10 years deferred probation. I thought I had hit bottom, I thought I was done but as the addage says "Why do you keep hitting your head with a hammer? Because it feels so great when I finally stop." Living with my Dad was easy. He had no idea what I was doing and if he did, he knew he couldn't stop it. There are not enough days left for me to provide the proper amends to my Parents for what I have put them through but I would like to think I try. I was arrested a second time at Taco Cabana. A friend and I were stealing beer and she got caught. I threw a burrito at the woman holding her in an attempt to create a diversion to no avail. Instead, I went to jail again, along with my best friend and when we got out, I did not see, or hear from her in 4 years.
My aunt, who recently passed away, was one of the most wonderful people I will ever know. She loved me like her own daughter. She let me call her everyday while I was in jail. She never gave up on me, she was always there and she was the one person I knew I could talk to about anything. She was able to live long enough to see me as I am now and for that, I am able to have a little more peace.
My probation was now violated. I was on a list to go to a court appointed treatement center so I ran. My mother gave me a box of my belongings and drove me to the Mexican border. It was the saddest moment I had up to that moment. The look in her eye was as if I had already died and she was staring at my body. I cringe thinking about it. I went to live with some friends and I had a job as a telemarketer in El Paso. I soon was no longer welcomed due to my behavior so I was homeless once again. I always conned my way into finding a place to stay and at one point a group of us had an apartment. It was empty, but it was a roof over our heads. One night, I had done too much cocaine and other crap and I had a small realization. I was going to die ad the tiniest part of me didn't want to. I called my Mom crying and she said she would look for a place to go. By some miracle, I was able to go to a place called La Hacienda in Hunt, Texas. I was kindof motivated to get sober at this point but all I really wanted to do was figure out a way to be abole to drink and smoke pot without doing everything else. The first person I met would prove to be a pretty strong influence on me for the next decade.
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