The concept of mindfullness has recently been brought to my attention by several different sources. Its funny how that happens. I hear something once and it is new to me and then I start hearing it from all sorts of different people. I believe this is called the theory of synchronicity. One of the reasons I started this blog is because I was feeling really detached from myself, mostly my spirit. It was almost like I felt defeated. After ditching my career as a drug and alcohol counselor, I did not know what direction to go in. As a covicted felon, employment is limited to me. Our justice system is not set up for people to actually rehabilitate and enter the workforce. That one terrible decision will effect me for the rest of my life and I refuse to let it stand in my way no matter how harsh people can treat me. I am not a victim of myself or my environment. It was time to reinvent myself. School was where I needed to go. I enrolled in CSU's online program for teaching and learning in 2009 and I am set to graduate in December of this year. The funny thing was, kids I had worked with in the past started calling me for further help. As much as I wanted to put my counseling days behind me it seems like I will never be free of it completely and I am glad. Being there for them helps me remember where I came from. One of the few true talents I posess is the ability to listen and be empathetic. It could be the lady at the grocery store or a friend I haven't seen in years, people open up to me. It is amazing and it is an honor to be a part of so many people's path. I may never be famous, I may never write a best seller and I may never own a self sufficient house in the mountains but at least I can know that I have made a positive impact in a few people's life.
While observing the kids I had worked with and reexamining my own experience I have come to the conclusion that drug treatment centers, while useful for adults, can be lethal for adolescents. Most kids go into treatment with a GED in marijuana and leave with a Masters in Methamphetamine. Treatment is a billion dollar industry, and although they are supposed to assess individuals to see if treatment is appropriate, more times than not, they will jump at the chance to "help" your kid. But what does in-patient treatment really do? It gives kids a chance to get clean maybe, and then they meet and hear all of the glamorized war stories of their peers and decide that they need to go try that. The kid goes home to the same environment with the same friends and their parents wonder why they get high immediately. Treatment centers also make money off of referrals. For example, if Johnny 15 year old goes to a 30 day treatment center, the family is convinced he needs more support so they either refer them to a sober living house at $5,000 per month or they extend the stay at the primary facility for $1000 per day. This seems extremely unethical to me and it is one of the main reason I got out. I decided that what these kids need is someone to help guide them into adulthood. Someone they could trust that has been through what they had gone through and gotten through it to live a semi-normal, happy, successul life. I still do some counseling stuff with them, try to find the root of the problem, work with the family on dynamic issues, and other cliche counselor strategies but my goal for all people I get the privledge of speaking with is to then help them find their passion and hold onto it. Young People don't perceive having a lot to lose. If I work on helping them put positive things in that persons life, if I help them find their passion, then I may have a shot in making a difference . Treatment centers focus on the symptom of drug use and they treat that primarilly. It is comparable to ripping a huge scab off, letting them bleed and sending them home before they have time to heal. How does that help in the long run?
Most kids I work with are terrified to grow up. Hell, I am grown up and stuff still terrifies me. Abandonment, self loathing, vices, fear of success, fear of failure, you name it, and I have feared it. I find that when I am being the best parent I can be, if I am helping others, and taking care of myself and my family, the fear dissipates. The problem with these fears is that they turn into self fullfilling prophecies. Over the last few years of ups and downs for me, I have lost many friends. Most of them left because it is very hard to be my friend during my times of crisis and I push the self-destruct button. The friends that have stuck by me are true angels masquerading as humans. When I am in those crisis' I want to leave myself but no matter how I try to get away and escape, I am always there. The friends I thought would be there forever are gone and some of the friends I never thought I would still have are here. Funny how that works. I am grateful to have lost them becasue if you are not going to stick through someone through the bad times, you don't deserve to be a part of the good times.
Back to mindfullness as I understand it. We live in a time where our focus is all external. For the few people that do try and make their focus internal, kudos, it does not come naturally for me. Being mindfull of what I think about, about what I am feeding my body, mind and spirit has really helped me try and find me again. If I focus on the negativity that pours out of the World I realize it is like a virus and a large quantity of the population is infected by it. Maybe everyone to some degree or another. What I have come to conclude is that the powers that be don't want us to be mindfull. They do not want us to be well. What else would feed the billion dollar industry of anti-depressants? I think that the World is heading in a direction that is really terrifying and that humanity feels it. If we are all running on energy from the same source wouldn't logic follow that we could feel it if we were destroying ourselves on a global scale? I hope that we can pull together and make a change for the better but we are fighting evil in the form of greed and the lust for power. It boggles my mind that socialism is shunned by the top 2% who holds the wealth but they relied on the government to bail them out when they were about to fail. Is that not socialism? How many billions is enough? How rich does one person need to be before they feel a moral obligation to give back? I don't claim to be affiliated with either political party because I feel they are all corrupted by the evil. I affiliate with right and wrong. A concept that seems to have made an exit from Washington and a concept that I hope makes a much awaited return to the powers that be. What right is right. I hope we all wake up no matter what we believe.
About a month ago, my husband and I were called into the principals office. My son's second grade teacher was there and informed us that our son possibly suffers from ADD. She went on to tell us that she has seen medicinal interventions work miracles and that we need to take him to see his pediatrician. Mike and I both cried. They also informed us that they think he is depressed. This broke our hearts. Soon after the sad, hopeless feeling left my body, anger took over. It consumed every fiber of my being. How dare she suggest I put my son on speed so that he would conform to her class. I am not going to dope him up to make anyone's job easier, including mine. Don't get me wrong, if it works for your kid that's fine but I am not ready to do that and I will probably never be. What message does that send? Addiction is already in his genes and if I put him on that wouldn't that say "drugs help you, but these are different drugs, these are the good drugs." ADD drugs are a form of methamphetamine. I hope more than anything that we can utilize other interventions to help him in his struggles. He has A's and B's. Seriously, if he is that bad, why is he still passing?I understand in extreme cases that medicinal interventions are necessary and I am not passing judgement on anyone who is a true believer. I am sure they work. But I truly believe that we over diagnose some of these childhood behavioral issues in order to try and label our children, medicate them, and hope that they get fixed. My son has a beautiful mind. He is loving, he is an amazing artist, he is empathic, funny, creative, caring, giving and has good manners. For the most part, he is amazing and I am aware of my bias. Now, I am still in the middle of this obstacle but recently, he was changed to another class. The first day of that class he came home a totally different kid. He was happy. Now for the depression, wouldn't you be depressed too if all the feedback you received from your teacher was negative? Mindfullness. For me, I need to be mindfull of what comes out of my mouth. Will it hurt someone? Will someone perceive this as a negative message? If I am truly being mindfull, and it is a new thing for me, I tend to hurt people less. Parents model behavior for their kids. If you model hate, your kids will hate. My kids hate to clean. Wonder why? I hate to clean.
Mindfullness has been left behind in our society. We are too busy being distracted by our gadgets, and other shiny things we focus on rather that looking at the real problems. At least, I do.
Someday, our dream is to build a nice home on our property in the mountains that is completely self suffiecent. When this day comes, the concept of mindfullness for me, will be realized completely and until then, I just have to remember to work as hard as I can to focus on what matters to me and keep the rest of the garbage out. If I focus on not being able to be mindful until we get out house, I am being the opposite of mindfull.
Now that all of you know most of my story, I am not sure if I will continue writing. I am not of the opinion that what I have to say is important enough to subject you to it. I believe everyone has something wonderful to give to this World. Words are one of humanity's most powerful tools. There is so much that I omitted however that I may remember things that come up. Life throws situations our way everyday and it helps me to write about them to get it out of my head. It helps me sleep better at night. I am just an ordinary woman, living an ordinary life with a less than ordinary backstory. I am grateful for the good, bad and the ugly. I apologize to anyone who was hurt by what I have written and I have done my best to make amends to you all. This was not supposed to be about anyone but me and my life. It is difficult to give a backstory without mentioning other key players. I intentionally left several incidents out becasue I thought they would hurt people and I realize now that I should have been more mindfull of what I did write. Several people have asked me why I feel it is necessary to share this story on the internet and the only answer I can come up with is "I wanted to see if I was alone in the way that I feel and maybe by some chance, I will help people feel as if they are not alone." In this World, I can find hate around every corner, on most channels, in all media outlets and walking down the street, if I choose to look for it. On the other side of the coin, if I choose to live in a place of gratitude, live in the moment and remember that I am not where I should be and I am not where I could be but, for whatever reason, and a lot of hard work, I will never be where I once was, I can find love. Some people think that the idea of peace and harmony is hippy crap that can not possibly happen and if I over analyze it, it may not happen. It is a tall order. It is my choice to try and work at living as an example to my children. Show them that love, tolerance and acceptance of all others will help ensure that the microchasm we call our life can embody all of these things and will transend the crap. This blog was a good start. Thank you to all that took the time to read it and to those that have messaged me about it. There is nothing like getting a message from a complete stranger saying that you have helped them. It is this reason that I will find time to write whenever I can. Hope to write more later this week and I hope that all of my readers take the time to smell the flowers at the grocery store, grab a coffee and people watch at your local coffee shop and laugh so hard that you pee your pants.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
Dis....ease.
Back in 2008, I contracted the blood infection that nearly did me in and it was smack in the middle of a downward spiral that was hard to watch and even harder to be live in. I started to think about what I wanted my kids to learn from me before I go to that ginormous unknown we all wonder about. It was, to say the least, a very existential experience. During this period I had a very interesting dream. I believe dreams connect us to our source, similar to the way we charge our phones. Within dreams we realize our fears, dreams, homes, haunts and in those rare moments we are able to see and even speak to people we may have lost, that are famous, or that we have never met. Dreams are one of the true last frontiers. This dream consisted of me riding in a truck that was hurling forward toward a concrete wall. I was behind the wheel. An angel came into the dream explaining to me that I could go. I wondered where and he pointed up. I began to follow him on what felt like a cloudy staircase and when I looked back, I saw my kids, when I looked forward to him he was holding a beautiful rose. He simply stated that I was not done yet and that they needed me. I woke up crying. The thing that is so frustrating during periods of my life where I struggle is that I know that I am struggling. It is as if I am lost in the deepest, darkest forest and I am frantically trying to get out and find my way. Aren't we all?
I decided that my kids needed to understand 8 main principles: honesty, charity, integrity, mindfulness, love, karma, gratitude and empathy. Raising children is no doubt the hardest thing I have ever done but I would like to think for all of my flaws, we have done a pretty good job. Now, my house is messy, they hate cleaning, they would rather eat glass than clean but for the most part, they are all of the above. It brings me true joy to see them internalize these qualities and then, more imprtantly, put them into action. The only reason I find these qualities important is becasue somewhere along the way (thanks to Mom and Dad and rehab) I learned that living with these principles makes me feel good about myself. This is an extremely hard concept for me to get and I battle self hate frequently. Erick Ericson spoke about having to hit certain milestones in the developmental years in order to be view yourself as a whole person. Somewhere along the way, I missed some of these milestones. The problem with missing them is that you end up with the opposite. For example, if you don't gain trust in the period of time you are supposed to bond with your Mother you get mistrust and so on. I don't think this happened to me becasue my Mother and I are very close but I have to believe that the adoption could have played a role in the whole abandonment issue thing. But seriously, who cares? I can choose to dwell on the fact that I wasn't breast fed and blame it for all of my issues but I prefer to believe that I am the direct result of my actions. If I don't take responsibility for the bad choices in my life, how can I own the good ones? This is one of the problems I have with Alcoholics Anonymous and Religion. I believe there is a source that most choose to call God. I believe Jesus was real. however, I do not believe Jesus would be pleased with some of the things that have been done in his name.
"Reigion is the opiate of the Masses" is a quote written by Karl Marx who everyone must admit, provoked thought. I don't care what your political beliefs are, the man had some relevant points. I do not think religion )like most things) is all good or all bad. My kids are in a religious school. I believe in most of the principles taight in all religions. Unless you are an extremist or you are misinterpreting the message, I think it is pretty simple. Be kind, do things with love, live well, and so forth...see above 8 principles. However, I have witnessed first hand the hypocricy that lies within organized religion or rather people who claim to be religious. People who claim to be Christian that I have see turn around and lie, judge others, gossip, cheat and steal. When I walk into my kids school I feel like I have 3 boobs, a horn and 7 eyes. It is amazing, but I kindof like it. The few Mothers that I do chat with are great people. I guess it is like everything else, there are great people and people who truly suck everywhere you go. Some claim it is because humanity has free will and that is why God forgives. My question is this: If I try my hardest to be a good person, and I try to live by the principles I wrote about earlier, why would I be locked out of Heaven? Why would my best friend, who has a great loving, healthy, relationship with a member of the same sex be cast to the pits of hell? If "God" and Jesus are that judgemental, I am not sure I want to get in. I would rather be with the people who are true to their values and their heart if they are in hell, then it can't be all that bad. In my opinion, if Jesus saw the Kansas Church that protests during military funerals, if he knew that doctors were being murdered in his name that perform abortions, he would weep. Abortion is a touchy subject but no metter which side you are on, murder is not the answer. Please correct me if I am wrong becasue I am not vetted in religion but my understanding is that Jesus was about love, acceptance and telerance? Where did that go South? My God is no better nor worse than anyone else's rather mine is my perception of yours and vice versa. If this concept was embraced, it is in my opinion that there would be much more peace in the World. Unfortunately, power is addictive and if you can get billions of people to follow you and your beliefs, no matter the message, it can be distorted and abused to meet greedy ends.
The period in History that we are living in is one that is filled with awesome unknowns. Ever since I was a child I always felt there would be some sort of revolution that was going to take place in my life time. I believe this is starting now. Fear is no longer a tactic that can be used. We are realizing that while we have been distracted we were being financially raped. I am excited/apprehensive to see what lies ahead but my hope is that humanity rises to the challenges ahead and we awake after the darkness to a revolutionary new age of Enlightenment.
I know this blog is supposed to be about my experiences but today I felt it necessary to give insight into my mind. It is truly an interesting and at the same time, frightening place. Fear is the motivator that got me to start writing in the first place and since I have begun this, my life has improved. The war I wage with myself will possibly never be won but just for today, I know I have fought a great fight and won the battle. My hope is for those who suffer, which I know all of us do to some extent, is that you can do the same. My misery is no worse than anyone else. No matter the story behind it, the emotion is the same. Have a great weekend all! My goal is to make someone's day better and to make 5 strangers laugh. What is yours?
I decided that my kids needed to understand 8 main principles: honesty, charity, integrity, mindfulness, love, karma, gratitude and empathy. Raising children is no doubt the hardest thing I have ever done but I would like to think for all of my flaws, we have done a pretty good job. Now, my house is messy, they hate cleaning, they would rather eat glass than clean but for the most part, they are all of the above. It brings me true joy to see them internalize these qualities and then, more imprtantly, put them into action. The only reason I find these qualities important is becasue somewhere along the way (thanks to Mom and Dad and rehab) I learned that living with these principles makes me feel good about myself. This is an extremely hard concept for me to get and I battle self hate frequently. Erick Ericson spoke about having to hit certain milestones in the developmental years in order to be view yourself as a whole person. Somewhere along the way, I missed some of these milestones. The problem with missing them is that you end up with the opposite. For example, if you don't gain trust in the period of time you are supposed to bond with your Mother you get mistrust and so on. I don't think this happened to me becasue my Mother and I are very close but I have to believe that the adoption could have played a role in the whole abandonment issue thing. But seriously, who cares? I can choose to dwell on the fact that I wasn't breast fed and blame it for all of my issues but I prefer to believe that I am the direct result of my actions. If I don't take responsibility for the bad choices in my life, how can I own the good ones? This is one of the problems I have with Alcoholics Anonymous and Religion. I believe there is a source that most choose to call God. I believe Jesus was real. however, I do not believe Jesus would be pleased with some of the things that have been done in his name.
"Reigion is the opiate of the Masses" is a quote written by Karl Marx who everyone must admit, provoked thought. I don't care what your political beliefs are, the man had some relevant points. I do not think religion )like most things) is all good or all bad. My kids are in a religious school. I believe in most of the principles taight in all religions. Unless you are an extremist or you are misinterpreting the message, I think it is pretty simple. Be kind, do things with love, live well, and so forth...see above 8 principles. However, I have witnessed first hand the hypocricy that lies within organized religion or rather people who claim to be religious. People who claim to be Christian that I have see turn around and lie, judge others, gossip, cheat and steal. When I walk into my kids school I feel like I have 3 boobs, a horn and 7 eyes. It is amazing, but I kindof like it. The few Mothers that I do chat with are great people. I guess it is like everything else, there are great people and people who truly suck everywhere you go. Some claim it is because humanity has free will and that is why God forgives. My question is this: If I try my hardest to be a good person, and I try to live by the principles I wrote about earlier, why would I be locked out of Heaven? Why would my best friend, who has a great loving, healthy, relationship with a member of the same sex be cast to the pits of hell? If "God" and Jesus are that judgemental, I am not sure I want to get in. I would rather be with the people who are true to their values and their heart if they are in hell, then it can't be all that bad. In my opinion, if Jesus saw the Kansas Church that protests during military funerals, if he knew that doctors were being murdered in his name that perform abortions, he would weep. Abortion is a touchy subject but no metter which side you are on, murder is not the answer. Please correct me if I am wrong becasue I am not vetted in religion but my understanding is that Jesus was about love, acceptance and telerance? Where did that go South? My God is no better nor worse than anyone else's rather mine is my perception of yours and vice versa. If this concept was embraced, it is in my opinion that there would be much more peace in the World. Unfortunately, power is addictive and if you can get billions of people to follow you and your beliefs, no matter the message, it can be distorted and abused to meet greedy ends.
The period in History that we are living in is one that is filled with awesome unknowns. Ever since I was a child I always felt there would be some sort of revolution that was going to take place in my life time. I believe this is starting now. Fear is no longer a tactic that can be used. We are realizing that while we have been distracted we were being financially raped. I am excited/apprehensive to see what lies ahead but my hope is that humanity rises to the challenges ahead and we awake after the darkness to a revolutionary new age of Enlightenment.
I know this blog is supposed to be about my experiences but today I felt it necessary to give insight into my mind. It is truly an interesting and at the same time, frightening place. Fear is the motivator that got me to start writing in the first place and since I have begun this, my life has improved. The war I wage with myself will possibly never be won but just for today, I know I have fought a great fight and won the battle. My hope is for those who suffer, which I know all of us do to some extent, is that you can do the same. My misery is no worse than anyone else. No matter the story behind it, the emotion is the same. Have a great weekend all! My goal is to make someone's day better and to make 5 strangers laugh. What is yours?
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Why did I decide to write this?
Why did I decide to write a blog? Did I want to bash people? Am I resentful? Did I want to hurt people? The answer to all of these questions is absolutely, NO. I wrote it with the hopes that my mistakes and lessons learned could possibly help other people in situtaions similar to my own. People throughout the years have always said I should write a book. Since I have no idea how to, it was suggested by several people to write a blog. It truly was as simple as that. I am not afraid to write about my life. My life is an open book. Why? Because everything that has happened to me, all of the memories that I have, all the experiences that I have been a part of have made me the person I am today. I have spent a great deal of my days hating myself, expecting people to leave me and thinking that the negative things I have heard from whoever, whenever is my reality and I am done with that. Take it or leave it, I will be me and I am learning that I am able to be loved by others and I am able to love myself. If you chooses to leave it, I will be sad but I will recover and carry on.
For all the people it has angered, more than 5 times as many have written and told me it has helped them in some way. In this life, I have learned, I can't please everyone all of the time and I am done trying to. Pleasing others does nothing but make me feel like crap. I am starting to really understand the saying "Who cares what people think.?"
The other day was parent teacher conferences. A 40 something bald fat white man felt it necessary to wear a "53,000,000 babies dead since 1973" t-shirt. People never cease to amaze me. Whatever side of the argument you are on, why would one choose to display it on a t-shirt at an elementary school parent teacher conference? Thank goodness that my 7 year old didn't read it. I would rather spare him from nonsence like this as long as possible than have to explain why people do things like this.
Throughout this blog I have only written about my past.
Recently, I have emphasized to my children that there is plenty of hate in the World and as a family, we need to make our house a place of love and we need to spread love instead of hate. This is something I have had the pleasure of watching them put into action. It truly is amazing to see them internalize things like this and it makes me proud to be their Mother.
This year has met me with several challenges that have almost broken me. It has also been a time of enlightenment. I realized that when I focus on what is wrong with my life and what I am missing, it is nearly impossible for me to find happiness. When I am unaccepting of others it is because I am running from something I dislike about myself. The biggest battle I have to fight next to addiction is my fear of abandonment. I almost expect people to leave me. No one knows this better than my dear husband. What the source of this fear is can be left up for speculation. Is it nature, nurture or some other variable I have not yet considered? Who cares? All I know is that is there and unless I admit it, I will continue to self-sabotage and make this worst fear of mine come true. People say that when you go to jail, you find out who your friend are. That is kindof true but when you really find out who your friends are is when you have a nervous breakdown. This happened to me when I turned 30. For some reason, I felt that I should have a successful career. My priorities have since changed. I managed to become the director of a drug abuse program,I worked with a number of kids and owned and operated a halfway house. Due to some serious ethical issues surrounding the people I worked with, I had to quit. Around the same time, I contracted a strep infection in my blood that nearly did me in. The recipe was right for a downward spiral that had me nearly lose my family and everything I had worked hard for.
Doctors had prscribed me anti anxiety drugs and anti depressants. Both of these drugs made me insane. I saw friends drop like flies. I have never wanted to die in my life until I woke up and realized what had become of me. I had gone to Puerto Rico with a girl I had recently met when I had a moment of clarity. I knew that If I did not change, I would lose the things in my life that mattered the most, I would lose the love I had come to take for granted. At that moment, I decided to take myself off of all of the meds I was on (don't ever do this) lock myself in my hotel room until I could catch a flight home, cut ties with the people that were helping me destroy myself and start to rebuild. One would think I would have learned this lesson but sometimes, I have to relearn and relearn and relearn. I came home, and did what I had to do to become the person I needed to be for my family.
Throughout my time as a counselor, I noticed a pattern emerging from several of the adolescents I had the pleasure of working with. Addiction is a family disease. Everyone has a role to play in it. Most parents of the kids I knew were focused on careers, money, and materialistic that in the end, doesn't ever matter. This is not true for all families, sometimes there were other variables, this is just a pattern I saw. I have come to recognize that for me and for my children, it is extremely important to make them my career. Sure, I will ever be the high powered business woman I pictured myself being but rarely if ever do things go the way I imagined they should go. I may not be able to afford to go to Italy, help build an orphanage for abandoned children in Africa, or have a villa in Argentina but I have the most important thing of all, a family of my own that loves me unconditionally. I hve a husband that truly meant it when he said "till death do us part." And although I sometimes expect him to leave, I am learning that he isn't going anywhere.
Everyone has their issues. Mine are just more obvious than others. My hope is by admitting them, sharing my hopes, my fears, my dreams and my nightmares, someone somewhere might relate and realize not only are they not alone but someone out there understands, fights the same battles with herself and continues to remain teachable in order to better my life and the lives of those I meet or of those who read these words.
Write at you later.
Shelley
For all the people it has angered, more than 5 times as many have written and told me it has helped them in some way. In this life, I have learned, I can't please everyone all of the time and I am done trying to. Pleasing others does nothing but make me feel like crap. I am starting to really understand the saying "Who cares what people think.?"
The other day was parent teacher conferences. A 40 something bald fat white man felt it necessary to wear a "53,000,000 babies dead since 1973" t-shirt. People never cease to amaze me. Whatever side of the argument you are on, why would one choose to display it on a t-shirt at an elementary school parent teacher conference? Thank goodness that my 7 year old didn't read it. I would rather spare him from nonsence like this as long as possible than have to explain why people do things like this.
Throughout this blog I have only written about my past.
Recently, I have emphasized to my children that there is plenty of hate in the World and as a family, we need to make our house a place of love and we need to spread love instead of hate. This is something I have had the pleasure of watching them put into action. It truly is amazing to see them internalize things like this and it makes me proud to be their Mother.
This year has met me with several challenges that have almost broken me. It has also been a time of enlightenment. I realized that when I focus on what is wrong with my life and what I am missing, it is nearly impossible for me to find happiness. When I am unaccepting of others it is because I am running from something I dislike about myself. The biggest battle I have to fight next to addiction is my fear of abandonment. I almost expect people to leave me. No one knows this better than my dear husband. What the source of this fear is can be left up for speculation. Is it nature, nurture or some other variable I have not yet considered? Who cares? All I know is that is there and unless I admit it, I will continue to self-sabotage and make this worst fear of mine come true. People say that when you go to jail, you find out who your friend are. That is kindof true but when you really find out who your friends are is when you have a nervous breakdown. This happened to me when I turned 30. For some reason, I felt that I should have a successful career. My priorities have since changed. I managed to become the director of a drug abuse program,I worked with a number of kids and owned and operated a halfway house. Due to some serious ethical issues surrounding the people I worked with, I had to quit. Around the same time, I contracted a strep infection in my blood that nearly did me in. The recipe was right for a downward spiral that had me nearly lose my family and everything I had worked hard for.
Doctors had prscribed me anti anxiety drugs and anti depressants. Both of these drugs made me insane. I saw friends drop like flies. I have never wanted to die in my life until I woke up and realized what had become of me. I had gone to Puerto Rico with a girl I had recently met when I had a moment of clarity. I knew that If I did not change, I would lose the things in my life that mattered the most, I would lose the love I had come to take for granted. At that moment, I decided to take myself off of all of the meds I was on (don't ever do this) lock myself in my hotel room until I could catch a flight home, cut ties with the people that were helping me destroy myself and start to rebuild. One would think I would have learned this lesson but sometimes, I have to relearn and relearn and relearn. I came home, and did what I had to do to become the person I needed to be for my family.
Throughout my time as a counselor, I noticed a pattern emerging from several of the adolescents I had the pleasure of working with. Addiction is a family disease. Everyone has a role to play in it. Most parents of the kids I knew were focused on careers, money, and materialistic that in the end, doesn't ever matter. This is not true for all families, sometimes there were other variables, this is just a pattern I saw. I have come to recognize that for me and for my children, it is extremely important to make them my career. Sure, I will ever be the high powered business woman I pictured myself being but rarely if ever do things go the way I imagined they should go. I may not be able to afford to go to Italy, help build an orphanage for abandoned children in Africa, or have a villa in Argentina but I have the most important thing of all, a family of my own that loves me unconditionally. I hve a husband that truly meant it when he said "till death do us part." And although I sometimes expect him to leave, I am learning that he isn't going anywhere.
Everyone has their issues. Mine are just more obvious than others. My hope is by admitting them, sharing my hopes, my fears, my dreams and my nightmares, someone somewhere might relate and realize not only are they not alone but someone out there understands, fights the same battles with herself and continues to remain teachable in order to better my life and the lives of those I meet or of those who read these words.
Write at you later.
Shelley
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Fate
I think I left off and I was in jail. Jail is one of the strangest social situations I have had the privledge of being a part of. I was 18, it was Christmas time, and there I was, in jail. In addiction treatment you always hear about a "bottom." Was this going to be mine? Fate has a way of putting in front of us that which we want to leave behind the most. For me, that is addiction. Jail was awful but it is where I grew up. I read 1000's of books. I learned how to use my mind's eye. I was sentenced to a boot camp program where I did very well. It was ran by former ARMY dog's and it was modeled after their bootcamp. When I was released, I was really buff, full of confidence and ready to face the World. I decided I needed to work at Denny's at night because that is when I got into trouble. I went to a rehab after jail that was a joke and basically set up for people to fail. Our justice system is set up to keep people in it, not get them out. Since the privatization of the prison system, the more people we incarcerate means more money for the investors of the prisons and non lethal weapons. Needless to say, I relapsed on crystal meth. Started using needles and basically was suicidal. On March 3rd 1998, I overdosed and was left in a seedy hotel to die. For whatever reason, I woke up and Madonna was on T.V. It was her song Frozen which spoke to me on a very spiritual level. I knew from that day o, I would nnever touch Crystal Methamphetamine again, and I haven't. I ended up being sent to live with my older brother and his wife in Phoenix so that I could go to an outpatient program that was near where he lived. I moved in April and enrolled myself at Pathway drug abuse program. This girl I knew from a previous treatment center spoke hughly of a sister program in Colorado so I thought it might be a good fit and I was right. Many people hate this program, call it a cult and makingn it their life mission to shut it down. I agree that it could be considered a cult, especially if you make it to staff but I learned some very valuable lessons there.
In the fall of 1998, I enrolled myself in Mesa Commuity College. There are very few moments when I have felt true pride for myself but when I walked through the cafeteria at school, I realized I was finally doing something for myself that no one thought I could ever do, it was one of the best moments of my life. Morality was not a strong suit of mine prior to entering treatment. I thought men were supposed to treat me like crap, dishonesty was a way of life and selfishness was a necessity for survival. I had to undo all of the things I had come to depend on and to this day nearly 12 years later, I cannot lie. I have been accused of lying in this blog but these are my memories written the way I remember them or I remember them being told to me.
When I finished with the outpatient program I remember telling a friend of mine that the program was grooming me to be a future counselor. The program utilized charasmatic people who had the worst problems to "reach out" to the new people. If you were "cool" enough, you were put on steering committee. This happened to me. I loved finally feeling like a "cool" kid. I had finally found a group of people that thought like I did and I loved it. We had so much fun. I lived with girls who are still in my life to this day and the friendships I made there will last a lifetime. The premise of this program is to replace getting high with "fun" activities. We did a good job of this. We would stay up all night and do very dangerous "fun" things for the next two years. All the while, I was working away at school on my associates degree and life was good. I was then asked to go to counselor training. I thought it was the coolest thing that they had asked me to be a part of the staff.
The problem with Pathway is that it is ran by Bigots. There was no tolerance of gay people, or any other ethnicity other than white middle class. There was the occasional Black person and gay guy but they were made fun of by the staff and I always thought that was wrong. When I confronted the director about these inconsistancies, he said "he had a democratic heart with conservative principles." Whatever the f@$k that means. I made it through training and was transfered to Colorado. I only lasted 6 months on staff. I didn't agree with the way things were. We worked 60 hour weeks for $1000 per month and shared an apartment with 4 other girls. Every week, we would have ot go to the Director's house for what was called "Purpose." This was a meeting where oe person is usually singled out for whatever flaw and berated for hours. It was dumb and it was traumatic. Your so called friends all jumped on the wagon to treat you like crap.That is when I said "enough was enough" and I left. I was in Loveland at this point and I had to live in a halfway house because I had no money to get a place. I found a job at a local pub as a bartender but managed to stay sober for another year.
I was determined to show the program that I could be successful without them in a town where I knew no one. In reality, I was proving it to myself. I enrolled at the local communnity college and at oe point I lived, worked, and went to school on the same street.
The Depot Eatery and Pub proved to play a significant role in my life and the people I met there are some of the best people I have evver kown. My maid of honor was the manager and she is onne of my best friends to this day. One day she asked me "Why don't you drink." I told her that I had problems with addiction but at that poinnt, I thought I had outgrown the problem and I was ready to try again. The first time I drank, I felt like I had thrown 3 years away and I cried and cried for hours. At 23 years old, all I wanted was to fit in and be normal. At that point in my life, everyone partied. It soon became very clear that I am unable to drink like other people. I drink to get drunk. I see no point to doing it any other way. I managed to keep my life together for the most part and in June of 2002, I put my cap and gown on and walked across the stage to receive my Associates in Liberal Arts. It was a very proud moment. I never got to walk in high school and I finally felt like maybe I could accomplish something in my life. I enrolled in the University of Northern Colorado for the next fall. Although I was drinking, life was still good. In May of that year, I met a girl I worked with that lived in the mountains. I thought she was really cool. One weekend my best buddy and I took a trip up to her place in the mountains, got lost, popped a tire, and finally found what is now partly my property. When I got out of the car to say hi to my friend, I noticed a tall, handsome man walking down the road towards us. I thought he was interesting but very quiet. I remember my friend asking me what I thought of him and I said" he is interesting."
The next week, the same guy was standing outside of the kitchen of my work. He told me he was waiting for me. He asked me if I wanted to go to a Norah Jones concert with him. "Who is Norah Jones?" I asked. He then burned me a CD of hers and brought it back to my work the next day to make sure I liked her music. From that moment on, I knew, I had met the man I would grow old with.
Within a week, Mike had moved in with me. He was living in a cabin and hour away from me and since we didn't want to be apart he just stayed with me. I went on a trip to see my Mother in Santa Fe with a friend of mine and I remember wanting to get him a very special present. I found a coffee mug that was gorgeous, carefully wrapped it up and put it in my bag and couldn't wait to get home to give it to the man who stole my heart. When I got home, Mike was walking up to the apartment holding a coffee maker and in my hand was i=his new coffee mug. It couldn't have been more cheesy or more perfect.
In the fall of 1998, I enrolled myself in Mesa Commuity College. There are very few moments when I have felt true pride for myself but when I walked through the cafeteria at school, I realized I was finally doing something for myself that no one thought I could ever do, it was one of the best moments of my life. Morality was not a strong suit of mine prior to entering treatment. I thought men were supposed to treat me like crap, dishonesty was a way of life and selfishness was a necessity for survival. I had to undo all of the things I had come to depend on and to this day nearly 12 years later, I cannot lie. I have been accused of lying in this blog but these are my memories written the way I remember them or I remember them being told to me.
When I finished with the outpatient program I remember telling a friend of mine that the program was grooming me to be a future counselor. The program utilized charasmatic people who had the worst problems to "reach out" to the new people. If you were "cool" enough, you were put on steering committee. This happened to me. I loved finally feeling like a "cool" kid. I had finally found a group of people that thought like I did and I loved it. We had so much fun. I lived with girls who are still in my life to this day and the friendships I made there will last a lifetime. The premise of this program is to replace getting high with "fun" activities. We did a good job of this. We would stay up all night and do very dangerous "fun" things for the next two years. All the while, I was working away at school on my associates degree and life was good. I was then asked to go to counselor training. I thought it was the coolest thing that they had asked me to be a part of the staff.
The problem with Pathway is that it is ran by Bigots. There was no tolerance of gay people, or any other ethnicity other than white middle class. There was the occasional Black person and gay guy but they were made fun of by the staff and I always thought that was wrong. When I confronted the director about these inconsistancies, he said "he had a democratic heart with conservative principles." Whatever the f@$k that means. I made it through training and was transfered to Colorado. I only lasted 6 months on staff. I didn't agree with the way things were. We worked 60 hour weeks for $1000 per month and shared an apartment with 4 other girls. Every week, we would have ot go to the Director's house for what was called "Purpose." This was a meeting where oe person is usually singled out for whatever flaw and berated for hours. It was dumb and it was traumatic. Your so called friends all jumped on the wagon to treat you like crap.That is when I said "enough was enough" and I left. I was in Loveland at this point and I had to live in a halfway house because I had no money to get a place. I found a job at a local pub as a bartender but managed to stay sober for another year.
I was determined to show the program that I could be successful without them in a town where I knew no one. In reality, I was proving it to myself. I enrolled at the local communnity college and at oe point I lived, worked, and went to school on the same street.
The Depot Eatery and Pub proved to play a significant role in my life and the people I met there are some of the best people I have evver kown. My maid of honor was the manager and she is onne of my best friends to this day. One day she asked me "Why don't you drink." I told her that I had problems with addiction but at that poinnt, I thought I had outgrown the problem and I was ready to try again. The first time I drank, I felt like I had thrown 3 years away and I cried and cried for hours. At 23 years old, all I wanted was to fit in and be normal. At that point in my life, everyone partied. It soon became very clear that I am unable to drink like other people. I drink to get drunk. I see no point to doing it any other way. I managed to keep my life together for the most part and in June of 2002, I put my cap and gown on and walked across the stage to receive my Associates in Liberal Arts. It was a very proud moment. I never got to walk in high school and I finally felt like maybe I could accomplish something in my life. I enrolled in the University of Northern Colorado for the next fall. Although I was drinking, life was still good. In May of that year, I met a girl I worked with that lived in the mountains. I thought she was really cool. One weekend my best buddy and I took a trip up to her place in the mountains, got lost, popped a tire, and finally found what is now partly my property. When I got out of the car to say hi to my friend, I noticed a tall, handsome man walking down the road towards us. I thought he was interesting but very quiet. I remember my friend asking me what I thought of him and I said" he is interesting."
The next week, the same guy was standing outside of the kitchen of my work. He told me he was waiting for me. He asked me if I wanted to go to a Norah Jones concert with him. "Who is Norah Jones?" I asked. He then burned me a CD of hers and brought it back to my work the next day to make sure I liked her music. From that moment on, I knew, I had met the man I would grow old with.
Within a week, Mike had moved in with me. He was living in a cabin and hour away from me and since we didn't want to be apart he just stayed with me. I went on a trip to see my Mother in Santa Fe with a friend of mine and I remember wanting to get him a very special present. I found a coffee mug that was gorgeous, carefully wrapped it up and put it in my bag and couldn't wait to get home to give it to the man who stole my heart. When I got home, Mike was walking up to the apartment holding a coffee maker and in my hand was i=his new coffee mug. It couldn't have been more cheesy or more perfect.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Victims
I hate the word victim. I hate people who play the victim. It was no way my itent to write this blog and imply that I have been or ever will be a victim. The only common denominator in every single one of my issues is me. That is how it has always been. In no way do I blame either my birthparents or my adoptive parents for anything that has gone wrong in my life. The real reason I am writing this is because I wanted to share my story in hopes that somewhere someone might read it and say, "Wow, I am not alone anymore."
All of my parents are wonderful people. They all have their flaws but who doesn't? I love them all dearly and in no way shape or form do I hold resentment towards any of them. In my sick humor way, all that has happened, besides all that I have done to my parents, I see as pretty damn funny.
So, I am not sure where I left off but I don't really feel like writing about my past as muich as I want to write about what happens to grown up Shelley so I will catch us up quickly.
After treatment #1 I went to jail. After treatment #2 I moved in with a roommate from the treatment center. It was probably one of the worst decisions of my life. I went to jail in Oklahoma City for trying to rob a store with a pocket knife. High on whatever I could get my hands on, (I remember the drug dealer taking a check for valiuma nd meth) had led me to make the second worst decision of my life. It was December 15 and I would spend the next year within the confines of the Oklahoma Department of Corrections. I was eventually sentenced to boot camp. I excelled there and realized if I could get through that, I could get through anything. Jail and prison are one of the most interesting landscapes to watch people and is probably what rove me to get my degree in Sociology. I never kept touch much with the people I met briefly accept for mhy old using pal's Mother. She saved my life and I loved her very much. I was a surrogate child of hers for more than a decade.
Jail sucks. That is pretty much it accept the race thing that just confused me. It seems like you have to be racist in jail. Im not racist. Actually, that is not true. I m prejudice agaist ignorance and it comes in all skintones. There was one white trash woman in prison that smuggled in ober an 8 ball of meth. She didn't leave her cell without a collard gren mask she felt was necessary for her to wear for some reason. I had to spend time in the medical/psychiactric pod for a few months. That was a much needed place for a nervous breakdown and I did it up. Never has my mind been stuck with itself for so long that I could feel it coming to the break of reality. Some of the letters I wrote must have been interesting. I was the youngest by far and there were a lot of scary women in there. They all had nickames like Chocolate, Sissy, Nay-nay, and other creative nomenclatures for eachother. Mine was ROshell. "Come here ROshell." People don't care about you and I can see how Women doing a lot of time have to form surrogate families to survive unlike our male counterparts that seem to handle things differently in prison.
I was done with boot camp and after I got out I remember all I wanted to do was rub my feet in the grass, smell fresh air and eat a steak. I was then supposed to go to a state treatment facility where I proceeded to relapse after 1 year of sobriety. Becasue no one can prove to me that everything in life doesn't happen for a reason, I didn't die and I ended up wanting sobriety at last and on March 3rd 1998 after trying to take myself out with a "hot shot" of meth, I had the cliche "spiritual awakening." Mine involved the release of Madonna's new CD "Ray of Light." The song Frozen spoke to me through the TV and I realized I needed to at least try and give life a shot. Probation could have put me back in prison but I lucked out and ended up living on my brothers couch in a treatment program located in Tempi, AZ. My old roommate from OKC went to this programs sister program and her Mother suggested I go to the same one because it had really helped her daughter. That leaves me at age 19 and the strt of my time spent on what some people refer to as a cult but...it was some of teh best times in my life up to that point.
All of my parents are wonderful people. They all have their flaws but who doesn't? I love them all dearly and in no way shape or form do I hold resentment towards any of them. In my sick humor way, all that has happened, besides all that I have done to my parents, I see as pretty damn funny.
So, I am not sure where I left off but I don't really feel like writing about my past as muich as I want to write about what happens to grown up Shelley so I will catch us up quickly.
After treatment #1 I went to jail. After treatment #2 I moved in with a roommate from the treatment center. It was probably one of the worst decisions of my life. I went to jail in Oklahoma City for trying to rob a store with a pocket knife. High on whatever I could get my hands on, (I remember the drug dealer taking a check for valiuma nd meth) had led me to make the second worst decision of my life. It was December 15 and I would spend the next year within the confines of the Oklahoma Department of Corrections. I was eventually sentenced to boot camp. I excelled there and realized if I could get through that, I could get through anything. Jail and prison are one of the most interesting landscapes to watch people and is probably what rove me to get my degree in Sociology. I never kept touch much with the people I met briefly accept for mhy old using pal's Mother. She saved my life and I loved her very much. I was a surrogate child of hers for more than a decade.
Jail sucks. That is pretty much it accept the race thing that just confused me. It seems like you have to be racist in jail. Im not racist. Actually, that is not true. I m prejudice agaist ignorance and it comes in all skintones. There was one white trash woman in prison that smuggled in ober an 8 ball of meth. She didn't leave her cell without a collard gren mask she felt was necessary for her to wear for some reason. I had to spend time in the medical/psychiactric pod for a few months. That was a much needed place for a nervous breakdown and I did it up. Never has my mind been stuck with itself for so long that I could feel it coming to the break of reality. Some of the letters I wrote must have been interesting. I was the youngest by far and there were a lot of scary women in there. They all had nickames like Chocolate, Sissy, Nay-nay, and other creative nomenclatures for eachother. Mine was ROshell. "Come here ROshell." People don't care about you and I can see how Women doing a lot of time have to form surrogate families to survive unlike our male counterparts that seem to handle things differently in prison.
I was done with boot camp and after I got out I remember all I wanted to do was rub my feet in the grass, smell fresh air and eat a steak. I was then supposed to go to a state treatment facility where I proceeded to relapse after 1 year of sobriety. Becasue no one can prove to me that everything in life doesn't happen for a reason, I didn't die and I ended up wanting sobriety at last and on March 3rd 1998 after trying to take myself out with a "hot shot" of meth, I had the cliche "spiritual awakening." Mine involved the release of Madonna's new CD "Ray of Light." The song Frozen spoke to me through the TV and I realized I needed to at least try and give life a shot. Probation could have put me back in prison but I lucked out and ended up living on my brothers couch in a treatment program located in Tempi, AZ. My old roommate from OKC went to this programs sister program and her Mother suggested I go to the same one because it had really helped her daughter. That leaves me at age 19 and the strt of my time spent on what some people refer to as a cult but...it was some of teh best times in my life up to that point.
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