Dis....ease.

Back in 2008, I contracted the blood infection that nearly did me in and it was smack in the middle of a downward spiral that was hard to watch and even harder to be live in. I started to think about what I wanted my kids to learn from me before I go to that ginormous unknown we all wonder about. It was, to say the least, a very existential experience. During this period I had a very interesting dream. I believe dreams connect us to our source, similar to the way we charge our phones. Within dreams we realize our fears, dreams, homes, haunts and in those rare moments we are able to see and even speak to people we may have lost, that are famous, or that we have never met. Dreams are one of the true last frontiers. This dream consisted of me riding in a truck that was hurling forward toward a concrete wall. I was behind the wheel. An angel came into the dream explaining to me that I could go. I wondered where and he pointed up. I began to follow him on what felt like a cloudy staircase and when I looked back, I saw my kids, when I looked forward to him he was holding a beautiful rose. He simply stated that I was not done yet and that they needed me. I woke up crying. The thing that is so frustrating during periods of my life where I struggle is that I know that I am struggling. It is as if I am lost in the deepest, darkest forest and I am frantically trying to get out and find my way. Aren't we all?
I decided that my kids needed to understand 8 main principles: honesty, charity, integrity, mindfulness, love, karma, gratitude and empathy. Raising children is no doubt the hardest thing I have ever done but I would like to think for all of my flaws, we have done a pretty good job. Now, my house is messy, they hate cleaning, they would rather eat glass than clean but for the most part, they are all of the above. It brings me true joy to see them internalize these qualities and then, more imprtantly, put them into action. The only reason I find these qualities important is becasue somewhere along the way (thanks to Mom and Dad and rehab) I learned that living with these principles makes me feel good about myself. This is an extremely hard concept for me to get and I battle self hate frequently. Erick Ericson spoke about having to hit certain milestones in the developmental years in order to be view yourself as a whole person. Somewhere along the way, I missed some of these milestones. The problem with missing them is that you end up with the opposite. For example, if you don't gain trust in the period of time you are supposed to bond with your Mother you get mistrust and so on. I don't think this happened to me becasue my Mother and I are very close but I have to believe that the adoption could have played a role in the whole abandonment issue thing. But seriously, who cares? I can choose to dwell on the fact that I wasn't breast fed and blame it for all of my issues but I prefer to believe that I am the direct result of my actions. If I don't take responsibility for the bad choices in my life, how can I own the good ones? This is one of the problems I have with Alcoholics Anonymous and Religion. I believe there is a source that most choose to call God. I believe Jesus was real. however, I do not believe Jesus would be pleased with some of the things that have been done in his name.
"Reigion is the opiate of the Masses" is a quote written by Karl Marx who everyone must admit, provoked thought. I don't care what your political beliefs are, the man had some relevant points. I do not think religion )like most things) is all good or all bad. My kids are in a religious school. I believe in most of the principles taight in all religions. Unless you are an extremist or you are misinterpreting the message, I think it is pretty simple. Be kind, do things with love, live well, and so forth...see above 8 principles. However, I have witnessed first hand the hypocricy that lies within organized religion or rather people who claim to be religious. People who claim to be Christian that I have see  turn around and lie, judge others, gossip, cheat and steal. When I walk into my kids school I feel like I have 3 boobs, a horn and 7 eyes. It is amazing, but I kindof like it. The few Mothers that I do chat with are great people. I guess it is like everything else, there are great people and people who truly suck everywhere you go. Some claim it is because humanity has free will and that is why God forgives. My question is this: If I try my hardest to be a good person, and I try to live by the principles I wrote about earlier, why would I be locked out of Heaven? Why would my best friend, who has a great loving, healthy, relationship with a member of the same sex be cast to the pits of hell? If "God" and Jesus are that judgemental, I am not sure I want to get in. I would rather be with the people who are true to their values and their heart if they are in hell, then it can't be all that bad. In my opinion, if Jesus saw the Kansas Church that protests during military funerals, if he knew that doctors were being murdered in his name that perform abortions, he would weep. Abortion is a touchy subject but no metter which side you are on, murder is not the answer. Please correct me if I am wrong becasue I am not vetted in religion but my understanding is that Jesus was about love, acceptance and telerance? Where did that go South? My God is no better nor worse than anyone else's rather mine is my perception of yours and vice versa. If this concept was embraced, it is in my opinion that there would be much more peace in the World. Unfortunately, power is addictive and if you can get billions of people to follow you and your beliefs, no matter the message, it can be distorted and abused to meet greedy ends.
The period in History that we are living in is one that is filled with awesome unknowns. Ever since I was a child I always felt there would be some sort of revolution that was going to take place in my life time. I believe this is starting now. Fear is no longer a tactic that can be used. We are realizing that while we have been distracted we were being financially raped. I am excited/apprehensive to see what lies ahead but my hope is that humanity rises to the challenges ahead and we awake after the darkness to a revolutionary new age of Enlightenment.
I know this blog is supposed to be about my experiences but today I felt it necessary to give insight into my mind. It is truly an interesting and at the same time, frightening place. Fear is the motivator that got me to start writing in the first place and since I have begun this, my life has improved. The war I wage with myself will possibly never be won but just for today, I know I have fought a great fight and won the battle. My hope is for those who suffer, which I know all of us do to some extent, is that you can do the same. My misery is no worse than anyone else. No matter the story behind it, the emotion is the same. Have a great weekend all! My goal is to make someone's day better and to make 5 strangers laugh. What is yours?