Fate

I think I left off and I was in jail. Jail is one of the strangest social situations I have had the privledge of being a part of. I was 18, it was Christmas time, and there I was, in jail. In addiction treatment you always hear about a "bottom." Was this going to be mine? Fate has a way of putting in front of us that which we want to leave behind the most. For me, that is addiction. Jail was awful but it is where I grew up. I read 1000's of books. I learned how to use my mind's eye. I was sentenced to a boot camp program where I did very well. It was ran by former ARMY dog's and it was modeled after their bootcamp. When I was released, I was really buff, full of confidence and ready to face the World. I decided I needed to work at Denny's at night because that is when I got into trouble. I went to a rehab after jail that was a joke and basically set up for people to fail. Our justice system is set up to keep people in it, not get them out. Since the privatization of the prison system, the more people we incarcerate means more money for the investors of the prisons and non lethal weapons. Needless to say, I relapsed on crystal meth. Started using needles and basically was suicidal. On March 3rd 1998, I overdosed and was left in a seedy hotel to die. For whatever reason, I woke up and Madonna was on T.V. It was her song Frozen which spoke to me on a very spiritual level. I knew from that day o, I would nnever touch Crystal Methamphetamine again, and I haven't. I ended up being sent to live with my older brother and his wife in Phoenix so that I could go to an outpatient program that was near where he lived. I moved in April and enrolled myself at Pathway drug abuse program. This girl I knew from a previous treatment center spoke hughly of a sister program in Colorado so I thought it might be a good fit and I was right. Many people hate this program, call it a cult and makingn it their life mission to shut it down. I agree that it could be considered a cult, especially if you make it to staff but I learned some very valuable lessons there.
In the fall of 1998, I enrolled myself in Mesa Commuity College. There are very few moments when I have felt true pride for myself but when I walked through the cafeteria at school, I realized I was finally doing something for myself that no one thought I could ever do, it was one of the best moments of my life. Morality was not a strong suit of mine prior to entering treatment. I thought men were supposed to treat me like crap, dishonesty was a way of life and selfishness was a necessity for survival. I had to undo all of the things I had come to depend on and to this day nearly 12 years later, I cannot lie. I have been accused of lying in this blog but these are my memories written the way I remember them or I remember them being told to me.
When I finished with the outpatient program I remember telling a friend of mine that the program was grooming me to be a future counselor. The program utilized charasmatic people who had the worst problems to "reach out" to the new people. If you were "cool" enough, you were put on steering committee. This happened to me. I loved finally feeling like a "cool" kid. I had finally found a group of people that thought like I did and I loved it. We had so much fun. I lived with girls who are still in my life to this day and the friendships I made there will last a lifetime. The premise of this program is to replace getting high with "fun" activities. We did a good job of this. We would stay up all night and do very dangerous "fun" things for the next two years. All the while, I was working away at school on my associates degree and life was good. I was then asked to go to counselor training. I thought it was the coolest thing that they had asked me to be a part of the staff.
The problem with Pathway is that it is ran by Bigots. There was no tolerance of gay people, or any other ethnicity other than white middle class. There was the occasional Black person and gay guy but they were made fun of by the staff and I always thought that was wrong. When I confronted the director about these inconsistancies, he said "he had a democratic heart with conservative principles." Whatever the f@$k that means. I made it through training and was transfered to Colorado. I only lasted 6 months on staff. I didn't agree with the way things were. We worked 60 hour weeks for $1000 per month and shared an apartment with 4 other girls. Every week, we would have ot go to the Director's house for what was called "Purpose." This was a meeting where oe person is usually singled out for whatever flaw and berated for hours. It was dumb and it was traumatic. Your so called friends all jumped on the wagon to treat you like crap.That is when I said "enough was enough" and I left. I was in Loveland at this point and I had to live in a halfway house because I had no money to get a place. I found a job at a local pub as a bartender but managed to stay sober for another year.
I was determined to show the program that I could be successful without them in a town where I knew no one. In reality, I was proving it to myself. I enrolled at the local communnity college and at oe point I lived, worked, and went to school on the same street.
The Depot Eatery and Pub proved to play a significant role in my life and the people I met there are some of the best people I have evver kown. My maid of honor was the manager and she is onne of my best friends to this day. One day she asked me "Why don't you drink." I told her that I had problems with addiction but at that poinnt, I thought I had outgrown the problem and I was ready to try again. The first time I drank, I felt like I had thrown 3 years away and I cried and cried for hours. At 23 years old, all I wanted was to fit in and be normal. At that point in my life, everyone partied. It soon became very clear that I am unable to drink like other people. I drink to get drunk. I see no point to doing it any other way. I managed to keep my life together for the most part and in June of 2002, I put my cap and gown on and walked across the stage to receive my Associates in Liberal Arts. It was a very proud moment. I never got to walk in high school and I finally felt like maybe I could accomplish something in my life. I enrolled in the University of Northern Colorado for the next fall. Although I was drinking, life was still good. In May of that year, I met a girl I worked with that lived in the mountains. I thought she was really cool. One weekend my best buddy and I took a trip up to her place in the mountains, got lost, popped a tire, and finally found what is now partly my property. When I got out of the car to say hi to my friend, I noticed a tall, handsome man walking down the road towards us. I thought he was interesting but very quiet. I remember my friend asking me what I thought of him and I said" he is interesting."
The next week, the same guy was standing outside of the kitchen of my work. He told me he was waiting for me. He asked me if I wanted to go to a Norah Jones concert with him. "Who is Norah Jones?" I asked. He then burned me a CD of hers and brought it back to my work the next day to make sure I liked her music. From that moment on, I knew, I had met the man I would grow old with.
Within a week, Mike had moved in with me. He was living in a cabin and hour away from me and since we didn't want to be apart he just stayed with me. I went on a trip to see my Mother in Santa Fe with a friend of mine and I remember wanting to get him a very special present. I found a coffee mug that was gorgeous, carefully wrapped it up and put it in my bag and couldn't wait to get home to give it to the man who stole my heart. When I got home, Mike was walking up to the apartment holding a coffee maker and in my hand was i=his new coffee mug. It couldn't have been more cheesy or more perfect.