After I realized the flaws I saw during my sentence as a drug and alcohol couselor, I realized what interventions might work when dealing with adolescents. I decided that instead of labeling every kid that walks through the door as an "addict", it was best to leave that label behind and let them fully develop mentally, physically and spiritually before calling them anything but their firstname and the occasional wacky nickname I came up with. The human minds prefrontal cortex is thought to still be developing as late as age 28. This specific part of the brain controls impulsiveness, decision making and many other important "grown-up" thought processes. Instead of labeling everyone, I think it is important to guide them through the great transition into adulthood. I would no longer focus on their drug dependeny, rather I would work on living skills, self worth,dealinng with life on life terms, and other challenges that come up during this uncomfortable period in life. Maybe these kids are addicts but maybe they are just kids with no self-control, direction, goals and discipline. I am no longer willing to assess someone and provide them with a label that will stick with them the rest of their life if even just in their own mind. If you call someone something long enough, you risk the chance of them evolving into the title.
Roles surround us daily. They change, they leave and they are how we define ourself. I am many things, and as I list them I realize I list them in the order I feel are most important: Mother, Wife, Daughter, Sibling, Friend, Student, Teacher, Aquaintance. There are plenty more but all of you know what roles you identify with. Before I decided to do a lot of soul searching and write this, I identified myself as an addict. The problem with this isn't that this is untrue rather it is not ALL that I am. For the last 15 years of my life, that is all I was to myself, it was my identity. This thought process was drilled into my head from 12-step programs. Alcoholics Anonymous relies heavily on these labels and it is dangerous in my opinion, mostly for young people.
If you have ever been involved with a treatment center, most of them boast success rates. But what is success for a person trying to straighten his/her life out after it has been ravaged by drug and alcohol abuse? If someone is sober for years, lives in his parents basement, is unemployed and plays video games all day, is he successful? I have seen many people in AA who are in this situation. They contribute nothing to society but they are "sober", so they expect all the praise they can get. My definition of success does not depend on how many days sober a person has. One of the most successful people I have ever met hasn't been
sober" by AA's standards for more than a week. Does this make him a failure? Not in my mind. I quit injecting myself with crystal meth 13 years ago today actually. Since then, I feel I have accomplished a few good things in my life. Have I drank...yes. Have I made bad choices.. yep....am I perfect...nope. But I, like all of you, are in this game of life trying to chase after and hold onto moments of joy and happiness while simultaneously trying to help people that I encounter in any way possible.
After pondering all of this I started to look at the needs of any young person that was sent my way. The most important thing that needs to be figured out in this transition is the ability to identify a passion. If I can help a kid find his/her passion, get them involved with it, while working on other life skills, what does it matter if he/she decides to have a beer i 5 years? Priorities. Now, I am not saying they should be partying at all throughout this time in their life but I certainly am not going to take away all fo the good things they have worked hard to get and send them to a treatment center if they slip. I have a new role as an advocate for these kids. An advocate that will stand by you through the worst and applaude you at the best. Someone that you can go to, determine goals, identify patterns and weaknesses and get you on the path to your own success, whatever that means to you. So far, it has been awesome. I think I benefit more from working with these kids than they ever do. There is nothing better than having someone I worked with 6 years ago call me, ask me to lunch, and still want to let me in on their World. This happens to me frequently and it is one of the definitons of my life's successes. The truth from my perspective is that no treatment center or other program can define an individuals success. The only way to attempt to ensure it, is to be there to watch and help along the way. This may take 3 months or 6 years, it doesn't matter I will do whatever it takes. So, if you ever find yourself, dealing with someone suffering from addiction, especially young people aged 12-30 consider their success not your definition of their success.
I often wonder what my life would have been like if someone just said "Shelley, you are lost, you are scared, you have no idea who you are, you have no idea what you want, you don't know what is expected of you and up until now, the only common factor in all of your problems is you, and its totally OK. We will get you there and I will always be here to guide you out of the dark back to the light." All I wanted is for someone to understand how awful I felt. The same holds true for youth today. I hope to help as many people as I am intended to help.
Our World is obsessed with labels. The DSM V is chalked full of identities for people. Why can't it be that someone is just different? I often refer to my son as having a beautiful mind. I am bias, but I think he has a unique brand of genius. He is sensitive and artistic. He is imaginative and kind. Does that mean he will sit still, learn everything he needs to and do all of his work during class? Hell no! He is 7. I am however, unwilling to pigeon hole him with a label that he will later identify himself as for the rest of his life. We want explanations for everyone's behavior. Explanations and excuses. I used to truly believe that I can't help it, I am an addict, that is what I do. Now, I am not saying that when I choose to drink I can control it all of the time, I can't. It is very rare that when I drink I don't drink for the effect. I see no real point in drinking for any other reason. The rare cold beer in summer is great but I would rather have 10. Where does personal responsibility come in these days though? Learning humility is one of the most important lessons I have ever learned and I did learn that is a 12-step program. I no longer mind admitting when I am wrong, I actually find it quite liberating. My kids are often shocked when I do it but I think it has helped them realize that nobody is perfect. I sure hope politicians start utilizing this asset! When I was in prison bootcamp, I recall one of the seargents telling me to hit the floor and do 50 push-ups. He would always tell us to "recover and carry on," when we were finished. I asked him why he always said that and he replied by saying that if I was able to recover and carry on from doing push-ups, I could recover and carry on through any obstacle set in front of me. These two principles are probably the reason I still have a family, am not dead and am able to hold my big head up for the most part. I would love to say that my struggles are over and that I have found total enlightenment but I would be lying. I have made progress though and for this I am grateful. I have made countless mistakes throughout my lifetime. I have been selfish, self-centered, cruel, heartless, and every other terrible thing a person can be short of the biggies like rape and murder but at some point, I have had to learn to say "recover and carry on." I could spend the remainder of my time hating myself for the things that I have done or I can be humble, admit my wrongs, and do my best to amend them. Amending the things I have done wrong is simple, stop doing what I was doing to hurt people in the first place. Change the behavior and I change the outcome. This is the basis for cognitive behavioral therapy but, at times, it is often easier said than done. People can say sorry until they are blue in the face but it never matters unless the action is there. I try and view my life as if it were on a kharmic scale. The scale has been tipped toward the bad side for the majority of my life. Now, all I have control over is what I do to tip the scales back in my favor. Everyday, I can do something that helps me feel better about myself and my life. I have countless opprotunities to make people smile, and make my little corner of Colorado a happier place. I hope everyone does this. Our World truly needs this now more than ever.
The other day, my best friend was on the phone with me when his car broke down. A man helped him push the car out of the street, then proceeded to extort my friend out of any cash he had. Then this POS tried to crawl into the window of his car. Can you imagine if everyone did this? What a hellhole we would live in.
Altruism is not truly altruistic. This concept got me into a heated argument with someone that was unwilling to see my point. Being good to others for no reason is the reward. The way we control our actions is truly the only control we have over anything. Control over anything else is just an illusion. I am stuck wondering what the extortionist would have gotten instead of $3 if he had just helped and asked for nothing. Guess I will never know. Well, this evening is coming to an end and I have a busy day of cleansing my home tomorrow followed by a day of bloeing glass and hopefully creating beautiful things I can decorate with or give to those I love. Creating something of beauty is something I have missed for a long time and I hope that I do a good job. Have a great day everyone and I hope to write at you soon. As always, thanks for reading.
