Another News Cycle and another tragic story of a young person taking the life of an innocent child. This time it was a baby, shot in the face over the money his Mother did not have. Amidst all of the political blustering surrounding the 2nd amendment I began to think through my disdain for these horrible acts and figure out a way to fight back. On July 20, I went to see the new Batman movie that everyone was talking about. It was a Thursday night just after midnight and we were all so excited to see what all the fuss was about. I was in Ft. Collins, Colorado. About 3/4 of the way through the movie I received a text from my husband asking if I was alright. "That is odd" I thought to myself until I returned home safely to my family and saw the aftermath of a madman. Something in me changed that night. I spent the next few days knowing that many people went out that night, excited as I was to see this film only to have their lives ripped away from them. Why?
I have spent my adult life working with young people and their families trying to help transition them into a meaningful adulthood. I usually work with middle-upper middle class families who have a young person abusing drugs, struggling with depression or a combination of the two along with the spectrum of other mental health disorders. Unfortunately, this demographic are the ones committing many of the mass murders. Throughout it all, I have discovered some uncomfortable truths and possible solutions for people. I suppose this is why I find myself writing today.
This is not an article that will condemn or endorse the 2nd amendment. I will not take any political stance. This is much bigger than politics. We are living in a very dangerous time and things will only get worse unless parents, teachers, counselors, coaches and all other people working or interacting with our youth start to act. No amount of legislation will prevent these heinous acts from happening, the only thing that will prevent it is us. Can you imagine if all of the sudden the US had a rash of arsons? Would our politicians start to purpose a ban lighters and matches? The attempt to ban the tools of violence is akin to putting a band-aid on a severed artery. As a society, we shoot from the hip to try and fix a problem without delving into the source of the actual problem.
About a week ago, I joined a forum on Reddit that Michael Moore was on and claimed to be answering questions of his fans. My question to him was in regards to a twitter post Yoko Ono had tweeted stating that over a million people had died due to gun violence since John Lennon's death in 1980. I posed the question "Do you think it is responsible to throw a number like that out there without examining who was being killed and what types of weapons were being used?" The response I received from other people on the forum was overwhelming. I went on to explain that regardless of whether or not you believe in the public owning assault rifles or not, banning them will do little to change our culture of violence. The movie theatre shooting and Sandyhook could have been just as devastating if these young men had used guns that are not being banned. (I will be referring to the tragedies themselves, I will not say the perpetrator's names, seeing as most of us do not know the names of the victim's it is my belief that typing or even saying their names is part of the problem.) Guns are already here. Pandora's box has already been opened. The bottom line of what is happening is that some of our young people are not transitioning into adulthood well if at all.
So what would have prevented these atrocities and what will prevent others from happening? US. Our young people are being bombarded with information. Many young people have no idea how to decipher it, they blindly follow it without research and it is killing their character. On top of being over-informed, technology has made it much easier for our youth to act as cowards. Situations that many people over 25 had to deal with face-to-face that may have been uncomfortable like breaking up with a significant other, being confronted for a lie and other sometimes painful circumstances are being dealt with through text messages, email and the 100 other forms of communicated that have popped up over the last decade. If we combine these hard truths with the fact that many young people have alter egos for games, discussion forums and other internet time wasters, we get a generation that is over-informed, lives in a fantasy world, without any ability to communicate effectively. It is dissolving our young people's humanity. To make matters worse no one is having to utilize wit, gumption, integrity, character or intellect to debate in the classroom or with each other. If someone wants to argue a point and have points to back their argument they no longer have to spend hours in the library searching for primary or secondary sources like I did and I am sure many of you did. There is an endless supply on google.
Why does this have anything to do with violence you ask? Its simple, but to understand all of the variables at play we have to first look at them on all levels, the macro, the mezo and the micro. The large (macro) institutions that we need to call out are the internet, health care and the media. Since September 11, 2001, we have all been over-exposed to the 24 hour news cycle. In order for these news outlets to gain profits they need ad revenue. In order for them to get ad revenue, they must get high ratings. What gains high ratings? Tragedy. Same goes for the internet only the internet is much scarier. There is no accountability for things on the internet and if there is it is very small. Anyone with any agenda can get their voice heard on the internet and find like-minded people to follow blindly. There is also an endless amount of pornography which is just like any other drug but can also lead to maladaptive patterns in our young people's sexual identity. How does this affect our struggling youth? Some see how much attention people get for committing horrible acts. If the fragile mental health of the young person is combined with the glorification of violence, detachment, suicidal tendencies, depression, bi-polar, addiction etc, there is a small chance that the alter ego he/she has created for themselves online could be acted out in reality. The thinking "If I am going out, I am taking people with me" comes into being. The other macro system that needs to be addressed is our health care system, specifically our mental health system. If we are able to identify a young person in trouble, insurance companies and institutions can only hold onto that person for a short amount of time, if at all. People are urged to get help through pharmacology, meeting with a therapist once a week but while that person is in crisis you will be lucky to get that person help for more than 30 days if it is an inpatient setting. How do I know this? Because I am the one that gets to try and help that person after they have been kicked out of institutions.
The mezo (community) institutions that need to be addressed and revamped are our schools, churches, and extra-curricular activities. These are the institutions working directly with our kids. We need to educate everyone working with our youth on the warning signs of youth in trouble. How do we know if the kid is in trouble? Ask his/her friends. Be vigilant. Get them to open up and talk to you. I have been blessed with the ability to get through to our young people. I understand that other people don't have the desire to do what I do but we can all be aware of what is going on with the people we watch over and we need to keep our eyes open at all times. Ask yourselves if you see someone change friends, if you suspect them of self-mutilation, promiscuity, acting out, drug abuse, changing the way they dress and do not be afraid to confront it. Most importantly, let them know you are there and that you actually care.
The micro institutions that need revamping and probably the most important is the family. I don't know what has happened over the last few generations but it is not good. Somewhere along the way many parents decided to give their kids the right to privacy. The right to privacy is not a right it is a privilege and is only earned after one is an independent adult. Parents need to know who their child is in all realms. If their child has an alter-ego that is completely opposite of who their child is the parents need to know about it. They need to know where they are, who they are with, what they are doing and not be scared to discipline them when rules are broken. Our youth is entitled to a roof over their head, food in their bellies, and clothes on their back until they are self-sufficient. They should also be entitled to have a safe place to call home and love. That is all. They are not entitled to anything else because they have not earned it. I am unsure if parents buy children things out of a sense of guilt or if it comes from a genuinely kind place but if the young person goes through his/her formative years getting everything without having to work for it, they will come to expect life to do the same thing for them. Last but not least, be honest with yourselves. Do your kids truly come first or does something else? Career, significant others, social lives and everything else comes second. Kids can tell if they do not come first and it affects them deeply.
When these recent tragedies happened the first question I asked was probably the same as everyone else's, "why?" The second question I asked is who were these young men and why did they feel so desperate that they had to commit such evil acts? In the theatre shooting, from the research I have done, I hypothesize that this young man had never failed, he was painfully shy, most likely addicted to pornography and maladapted to society on many levels. He is likely a narcissist and when he failed out of the Phd program, he snapped. He most likely had an alter-ego that he adopted as his own grew more detached from society and his own humanity and had the desire to leave a legacy like we all do. In the case of the perpetrator at Sandyhook, I surmise that something similar happened. Both probably had severe mental health issues coupled with a maladaptation to society. the most important factor I believe that the young people committing harm to themselves or other is the sense that the World owes them something. ENTITLEMENT is the biggest problem and the issue I have spent years fighting against. My third question after these tragedies happened were "What were their families like?" The weapons used at Sandyhook were not bought by the shooter but they were readily available in his home. They were his parents. I speak of these two incidents because they are all fresh in our mind but taking these actions will also combat other struggles as well. Like I stated earlier, I have worked with our youth struggling with drug abuse and addiction and I have had seen many people succeed, unfortunately, I have seen some that are no longer alive. There is nothing better than watching a struggling family get through the rough times and see them 5 years later. Many of the kids I worked with are having kids of their own now and it does my heart good to see them all as healthy, happy, adults.
Many of you may say "what makes you the authority on this," and to you I say I am not any authority but I do have an education and the experience of being a troubled youth that caused harm to myself and others and I have the experience of coming out the other side to become a semi-well adjusted, productive member of my community. Take what I write for what it is worth but please never judge my drive, motivation and intentions when it comes to the passion I feel for working with young people and their families when they are struggling. It is what I was put on Earth to do and I am good at it.
For those of you who do not know, I am the owner and program director of Infinity Transitions, www.infinitytransitions.com. My program is one that helps young people and families who are struggling with the transition into adulthood, drug use, and other self-defeating behaviors no matter what it takes. I created the Theory of Entitlement Reversal which basically states that entitlement is one if not the main issue plaguing our youth and it can be reversed with help. I also want to put the word out that I will be speaking at high schools, colleges, and wherever else I can to get this message out and putting together a seminar for parents and young people in order to truly take action on combatting our violent culture. If you or anyone you know needs help or if you would like me to come speak please call me at 970-744-1065 and share this if you think together we can change our World for the better. If you agree, please spread this, share this, talk about this and open your mind. This will only work if we all step up to do it together. I do not want to read another headline where a life was senselessly taken and families are torn apart. I believe that human beings are generally good, some people may think that is naive but I will not let go of that belief without a fight.
Thank you for reading.
Rachelle (Shelley) Delich MS
